After an extensive investigation, the Michigan State University Housing Assignments Office and Culinary Services Team have decided to ban MSU student Jamie Reeves from living on campus after it was discovered that the student has not used her Combo-X-Change after living on campus for over six months.
The student claims that she was unaware of the Combo option of the meal plan, and as a result, never used it. “I guess I just never thought about it. I always wondered why so many people were walking around Brody with a beautiful display of mozzarella sticks, but I just remained oblivious,” Reeves said.
Her actions have caused a lot of students living on campus to feel uncomfortable, and has led to outrage from the community, specifically the students living with her in Brody Neighborhood.
“I could understand not using your combo in some of the neighborhoods without grill options, but in Brody? You’ve been living without chicken tenders this entire time! That is absolutely unacceptable; she needs to be castrated,” said Fiona Jenkins, the Brody Neighborhood student government president.
Other residents of Brody Neighborhood were similarly outraged.
“She can’t be fucking serious. Does she not have friends who allowed her to do this? They should be ashamed. These actions are un-American, they’re not fitting of a true Spartan,” said Brittany Towns, a Brody resident and protester.
The Housing Office noted these student concerns and decided to take action immediately, banning Reeves from living on campus next year.
“While we are not animals and we want to take as much of our students’ money as we possibly can, she will get to stay on campus for the remainder of this year, but these types of criminal acts cannot go unpunished. She will have to attend mandatory extended Combo-X-Change training to understand the severity of this neglect,” said Zackary Laporte, the director of Housing at MSU.
This training will include a tour of all of the campus Sparty’s locations, in hopes that Reeves will understand the importance of the Combo-X-Change.
“I couldn’t believe what I was not allowing myself access to. I could’ve been stocking an endless supply of shitty macaroni and cheese and ramen. With budgeting, I could’ve been eating these for the next two or three years of my life. I understand now that my actions are inexcusable.” Reeves said while sobbing and eating the Hubbard Hall Sparty’s fries for the first time.
While her actions are being frowned upon by some, others are showing their support of her in these troubled times.
“The lines at Sparty’s are long enough, and that’s one less person in line taking away my ability to use my Everfresh juice as a chaser.” said Julie Greene, while taking shots in the line of the Wonders Sparty’s. “I wish more idiots would follow her lead so I can get wasted faster.”
While Reeves’s actions are conflicting for some of MSU’s on-campus community, after her year-long ban she has been granted the option to return to campus the following year.
“I plan on coming back. I fucked up harder than Tyler O’Connor during our football season, but I definitely need to redeem myself and come back.”
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“Yeah, on my very first day of freshman year I checked my housing assignment, and it just said “Under the CATA Station” for my room number. I didn’t know if this was normal or not. I just went with it.”
For MSU Junior Wayne Egan, the CATA station is home. He took us on a tour of his dorm underneath the CATA station, which can only be accessed through a secret panel in the men’s bathroom. Just like any other dorm, Wayne has to swipe his ID in front of a sensor. This sensor, however, is on the paper towel dispenser, and once the card registers, a trap door opens up on the bathroom floor.
Wayne’s dorm room is a single. He has no roommates or suitemates, but lives in just one lone dorm under the CATA Station bathroom. The dorm is the standard MSU hookup. Wayne was provided with a desk, a dresser, and an unlofted bed, as well as his very own suite-style bathroom.
“At first I thought I had a suitemate, but when I opened the door to the adjoining room, there was just a bunch of dirt because we’re underground,” Wayne explained.
“Boy, my mom and pops sure were in for a shock on move-in day! We got some funny looks because we had to carry my futon and TV in through the CATA Station bathroom. Like hello people, I’m just trying to move in like the rest of you!”
Wayne loves his dorm and has lived there his entire time at MSU. Wayne Egan is President of the Chi Alpha Tau Alpha frat, and while his brothers continually attempt to get him to come live in the frat house, Wayne won’t budge. This is his home.
Although there are no windows in Wayne’s dorm, he has all the amenities that you would in any other dorm. Wayne has heat in the wintertime, a black mesh bag for his recyclables, and even a meal plan. However, his meal plan is only valid at the Sparty’s located inside the CATA Station. That’s the only place where he’s allowed to eat.
Wayne loves the solitude of his dorm. It’s a great place to study. He brings girls there, and often will throw parties in his dorm because his RA is pretty relaxed.
“My RA is actually super cool. She drives the #30 bus for South and East Neighborhood. Her name is Nancy, and I don’t see her that much. She helped me set up my cable in the beginning of the year. I know I could always go to her if I needed help with anything.”
We have to admit, Wayne has a pretty sweet set-up. He never misses a bus. He says that the rumblings of the Brody bus pulling into the station lull him to sleep at night. For us, the CATA Station is simply a place to watch the bus we desperately needed to catch pull away before we can get on. And we all just assumed that the area underneath the CATA Station was probably just storage for old bus seats and CATA Uniform sweater vests. But for Wayne Egan, it’s home, sweet home.